OFFSEASON
Baseball cop Tony La Russa did all kinds of things like trading Miguel Montero to the Cubs and trading for Jeremy Hellickson and Rubby de la Rosa and Robbie Ray and also they signed Yasmany Tomas to play third base although he is an outfielder and also they didn’t sign a real catcher and they got Minor Leaguer Peter O’Brien who can both hit home runs AND strikeout except possibly he can’t play catcher, which is why the Yankees didn’t really want him anyway, and also nobody in baseball outside of the Diamondbacks thinks Tomas can play third, and also the Diamondbacks have a lot of outfielders, and first basemen, in fact more outfielders and first basemen than can be fielded at those positions, and who really knows what baseball cop Tony La Russa is thinking anyway? The answer is that Tony La Russa doesn’t need to think, because baseball comes from the gut. OH ALSO they traded Didi Gregorious in a 3-way with the Yankees and Tigers to get Robbie Ray which you can read about in a great fangraphs post titled Yankees Get Help Tigers Get Help DBacks Get Projects and anyway the fun thing about that is that the Diamondbacks traded Breakout Candidate and Baseball Revolutionary Trevor Bauer for basically Didi Gregorious and a middling reliever and some guy nobody cares about. Although that was on Kevin Towers, the nowhere man. Anyway. On with the show!
C: Tuffy Gosewich
Hey chump, watch it, he’s on a major league roster!
1B: Paul Goldschmidt
Paul Goldschmidt is the best first baseman in baseball. But Sasha, you say, what about Miguel Cabrera? Paul Goldschmidt will hit .300, swat 30+ homeruns, have an OBP north of .380, and also steal 10-15 bases. Paul Goldschmidt hits to all fields. Do you know what this means? This means Paul Goldschmidt can hit the ball to any part of the field. It means defensive shifts against him are silly, because they don’t matter. Paul Goldschmidt is also handsome and has a nice smile. The thing about Paul Goldschmidt is that nobody thought he’d be that good because he struck out a lot and his swing had a lot of holes in it that Major League pitchers could easily exploit. But Paul Goldschmidt just decided to fix those problems. And then he decided that he should keep fixing his problems. One day Paul Goldschmidt will be responsible for nuclear disarmament. But he will not be able to save the Arizona Diamondbacks. Because nobody can.
2B: Chris Owings
In a startling development, the Arizona Diamondbacks have asked people to trade them something for Aaron Hill, their starting second baseman, but nobody has yet said yes, and so they decided that Chris Owings, former shortstop with a questionable offensive profile, would plays second base for them!
SS: Nick Ahmed
Who is Nick Ahmed? A major league shortstop! That’s who!
3B: Jake Lamb
Maybe eventually it’ll be Yasmany Tomas because Yasmany Tomas hasn’t played third base in years and also he came all the way from Cuba in a matchbox, that’s a terrible joke, the process of fleeing Cuba to play baseball in America is terrifying and difficult and dangerous as hell, but it doesn’t change the fact that, despite his vaunted power potential, nobody is certain really how he’ll do, and nobody really things he can play third base. Except the Diamondbacks. Anyway Jake Lamb has average power and an OK bat and is not a total embarrassment at the moment?
LF: David Peralta
David Peralta is a baseball player who will not play that much baseball because they’ll put Yasmany Tomas here eventually, because he will probably hit OK and for decent power even though he got sent down to Triple A today to probably learn how to hit and play a position maybe I don’t know. Who knows??? The Diamondbacks front office, that’s who!
CF: A.J. Pollock
A.J. Pollock had a shortened season last year because he got hurt after a super great start and when he came back he was not as exciting. Overall, he’ll get on base at an acceptable rate, hit 10 or so home runs, and steal 20some bases. He ain’t terribly exciting but he’s relatively effective, and cheap.
RF: Mark Trumbo
A while ago the Diamondbacks traded good young pitching for Mark Trumbo’s very big bat. Mark Trumbo is not an outfielder, he is a first baseman, but he has a very big bat. He hit 29, 32, and 34 home runs in Anaheim. Everyone thought the desert air would boost his power, but he struck out a bit, and got hurt. This season, maybe he won’t get hurt. He’ll still strike out a lot, and his obp’ll be under .300, but assuming he doesn’t get hurt he’ll mash many a tater.
BENCH
Cody Ross is the reason Roy Halladay doesn’t have a World Series ring (although he was just released) and Ender Inciarte is more or less serviceable? and Aaron Hill is still there, and Jordan Pacheco! Remember when Jordan Pacheco was on the Rockies and hitting .300 and you had him on your fantasy team because he had eligibility at catcher and first base and third base? Me too. I remember that.
STARTING PITCHERS
Josh Collmenter
Josh Collmenter has a good beard. He was effective last season, and he’ll be effective this season. He doesn’t strike out too many guys, but he doesn’t walk too many guys. He was a starter, then a reliever, and now he’s a starter again, and he’s never pitched 200 innings.
Rubby de la Rosa
They traded Wade Miley for this guy who was on the Dodgers and then the Red Sox. He throws hard and his fastball has hit triple digits. He has been far less effective in the Majors than he was in the Minors and he tends to walk too many guys and has control issues, which are different from your dad’s, in that he can’t always seem to find the strike zone..
Jeremy Hellickson
Jeremy Hellickson once won Rookie of the Year despite his terrible peripherals, and had a strong sophomore season despite his terrible peripherals, and then his terrible peripherals caught up with him, and the Rays traded him a bit too late to the Diamondbacks. Probably he’ll be fine though.
Chase Anderson
He pitched fine last season and he’ll be fine this season I have no reason to mock him or applaud him.
Archie Bradley
Archie Bradley is a widely heralded prospect who had a shitty season last year and has pitched so well this spring that the Diamondbacks traded Trevor Cahill to the Braves so that he could pitch for them.
BULLPEN
The ’pen is fine. Seriously. It’s fine.
SO BASICALLY
They don’t really have a starting catcher so much as a string of backups but they don’t care. Their big ticket Cuban third baseman isn’t a third baseman but they don’t care. The Diamondbacks aren’t worried. They don’t care. They ain’t sweatin it. No siree. Nope. No way. Not at all. There is IN NO WAY a disconnect between the Diamondbacks front office and the Game Of Baseball As It Is Played.
THE FUTURE
Is bleak. But Touki Touissaint has a great name. And Peter O’Brien is another guy without a position who can hit a baseball pretty far and also hard.
PREDICTIONS
Paul Goldschmidt is traded to a real baseball team and plays real baseball like the real champion and perennial MVP candidate he is and Arizona secedes from the union and not even President of Arizona John McCain can get anyone to let the Diamondbacks play baseball again, and Tony La Russa pulls him over every day and delivers the field of dreams speech, poorly, through the one working side of his mouth, after the stroke, and becoming an evil cyborg. The Diamondbacks lose the west.
BASEBALL COP: Tony La Russa
HE IS THE LAW.