It’s media day! It means that we’ve made it through the grueling NBA off-season without killing ourselves and that starting today, basketball is going to gradually re-integrate our existence. I’m not going to lie, it felt like holding my breath for a thousand minutes. I passed out, died, was resurrected by the Gods of basketball, passed out again and then woke up at Heaven’s Gate with Moses Malone looking down on me.
As a token of my appreciation for sticking with this site all summer long, here is a Freudian article based on no game insight whatsoever about what your favorite NBA team says about you.
Atlanta Hawks: Your are a brokenhearted, cynical misanthropist. You have recorded at least one black metal record over the last decade.
Boston Celtics: You are either Irish, Italian or a neo-nazi.
Brooklyn Nets: You don’t like basketball.
Charlotte Hornets: You watch college basketball, but not the NBA.
Chicago Bulls: You still have a crush on your high school girlfriend, but you are married to another woman.
Cleveland Cavaliers: You either use old Miami Heat jerseys for pajama tops or you are a serial killer.
Dallas Mavericks: You are Mark Cuban.
Denver Nuggets: You have recently developed a substance abuse problem.
Detroit Pistons: You were slapped around when growing up, but it was never a big deal for you.
Golden State Warriors: You are a hipster, but you really like basketball.
Houston Rockets: Not only you know who Sir’Dominic Pointer is, but you’re going to watch a couple of his games, this year.
Indiana Pacers: You live in Indiana.
Los Angeles Clippers: You are 14 years old.
Los Angeles Lakers: You are 41 years old (or older).
Memphis Grizzlies: You’re both optimistic and single. You’ve always been.
Miami Heat: You haven’t watched basketball last season and you don’t know who Goran Dragic is.
Milwaukee Bucks: You’re just happy to be there. You clap your hands and sing along when you’re asked to.
Minnesota Timberwolves: You hate yourself.
New Orleans Pelicans: You’re an optimistic person.
New York Knicks: You’re loyal to a fault. It’ll eventually get you arrested.
Oklahoma City Thunder: You’re nostalgic of the Michael Jordan years. In fact, you can’t shut up about it.
Orlando Magic: You enjoy basketball more than winning.
Philadelphia 76ers: You are in a religious cult.
Phoenix Suns: You’re smart, athletic, charming, literate and you’re never getting any.
Portland Trail Blazers: You’re smart, competitive and extremely unathletic.
Sacramento Kings: When Alfred said: “Some men just want to watch the world burn” in The Dark Knight, he was talking about you.
San Antonio Spurs: You’re either a Texas native or a loyalist nerd who never played basketball.
Toronto Raptors: You live in the past.
Utah Jazz: You’re an innovator. You understand and love Steve Jobs although you have yet to replicate his level of success.
Washington Wizards: You’re a good kid, but you have abusive parents.