OFFSEASON
The biggest move out of Oakland this year was when everyone’s favorite late bloomer Josh Donaldson was sent north to the Blue Jays for Bret Lawrie causing all of us to be like **GASP** “BUT BIIIIIILLLLLLYYYYYY?!?!?!?” Stat heads were confounded and wrote lengthy articles with confusing acronyms. Anti-stat heads were confounded and yelled about it on Bay area radio. Many of the local, Oakland faithful cried and longingly rubbed the A’s patch on their Chrome bags. Many oa Google employee slowly tapped their Donaldson bobble-heads which sat atop of their communal desks, saddened that their dirty blond sweetheart would not longer be seen in the colors of peas ‘n’ corn.
The other major move was signing Country Breakfast simply because him and Mr. Beane have the same first name and initials. It’s the new market inefficiency, dude. Oh, they also signed Ben Zobrist like four-years too late and forgot to re-sign Brandon Moss because clearly Ike Davis is better?
Anyways, Billy Beane is more into soccer nowadays apparently.
C: Stephen Vogt
Remember that movie when Sylvester Stallone is a trucker and some bad truckers kidnap his daughter and so he has to arm-wrestle them in a tournament to get his daughter back but Stallone wins because he’s got forearms the size of your head? That’s what I think of every time I look at Vogt. He doesn’t wear batting gloves at-bat and more importantly he has gigantic forearms that he sometimes points at. Yeah, Steph, we get it! We know they are big! OVER-THE-TOP!!
1B: Ike Davis
Davis used to crush home runs and strike out a ton because he didn’t give a fuck and knew his coach Terry Collins wouldn’t say shit since he’s a dude who cries at press conferences (which is cool, not hating). POWER, BRO.
Then that all disappeared, though, because the Mets wanted him to walk more. So now, Davis doesn’t hit for power, walks a bit, hits for low average and will probably be the AL Batting Champ this year because Billy Beane is goddamn wizard.
2B: Ben Zobrist
“Z” going to the A’s is like being married and realizing after you’ve had three kids, a vasectomy and bought a house that you’re actually in love with your wife’s best friend. So you wreck everything for like a year or two of bliss before it all goes to shit because your now ex-wife’s best friend trades you for some young dude and makes up some excuse like she was just trying to have “some fun.” Think about it.
SS: Marcus Semien
One time in Berkeley, California I saw a dude who was completely naked chasing a bus down the street at about 8 in the morning. Anyways, that’s where Semien is from and its right next to Oakland. On the baseball field, Semien blew through the minors smacking home runs and walking a ton. In the majors he’s been terrible so the White Sox traded him. Maybe some home cooking and running into the occasional nude drum circle near UC Berkeley will change all that.
3B: Brett Lawrie
My wife thinks Brett Lawrie looks like an Abercrombie model gone bad. “Oooohhh…he’s handsome but oooohhh…he has tattoos!” I am not really sure what that means but now I fucking hate Brett Lawrie and hope he gets injured which will likely happen because he’s had a really intimate relationship with the Disabled List over the past two seasons, playing a total of just 177 games.
LF: Sam Fuld
Hey look, another former Rays player now on the A’s who can’t bat, has a ton of speed and is a great fielder. I bet he’s an All-Star this year because the sewage leaking into the drinking water at O.Co turns shit into gold.
CF: Billy Burns
Apparently Burns is the white version Willie Mays Hayes on the base paths. That’s cool but he also hit .193 in the PCL last year so good luck with that.
RF: Josh Reddick
For one season, Reddick was a lean, mean, mullet-sportin’ hitting machine. Now he’s just a dude who sports a mullet.
DH: Billy Butler
Country Breakfast was more like Vegan Scramble last year…which is a stupid joke but that’s what happens with terrible nicknames: they beget terrible jokes. Anyways, Billy Boy is only 29 and will likely bounce back and have a great season, earning him an entire section of fans at O.Co who chug maple syrup every time he goes yard.
STARTING PITCHERS
Sonny Gray
The diminutive Gray proved last year that looks can be deceiving, logging 219 innings with an ERA just over 3. And I swear to God, the first announcer to make a 50 shades of Grey joke in relation to Sonny Gray this year is a fucking asshole. My money is on John Kruk. God, Kruk-ee is the worst.
Scott Kazmir
How weird has this dude’s career been? A two-time All-Star who completely forgot how to pitch and ended up logging innings for an independent Texas team. Then somehow Kaz worked his way back to the majors and then was an All-Star again last year. Good luck predicting what the hell he’s going to do next.
Kendall Graveman
Graveman rolled through all levels of the minors last year like a horny viking on his way back to the motherland. He’ll probably win a fucking CY Young now that he’s with the A’s and then get traded.
Jesse Hahn
At this point, Jesse Hahn’s only claim to fame is that he was a high school teammate of Matt Harvey (my condolences to batters in the Eastern Connecticut Baseball High School League during their tenure). Hahn is also a ROTOFANTASYSLEEPER ALERT. Like Graveman, Hahn blew through the minors and went on to be damn good in an extended look for the Padres last year. As long as he doesn’t rip his UCL again, expect a repeat performance.
Drew Pomeranz (Jarrod Parker)
Basically, no one in Oakland cares about Pomeranz because he’s cock-blocking the return of Barry Zito who according to scripture, will return to Oakland and pen soft rock songs about being a man.
BENCH
How is Eric Sogard a baseball player and not working in IT? Also, pretty sure that kid on American Dad is based on him. Also, Allen Ginsberg?
BULLPEN
Since closer Sean Doolittle is out with a rotator cuff tear, new addition Tyler Clippard will take over as closer which … wait…holy shit Tyler Clippard looks like Eric Sogard!
SO BASICALLY
On Microsoft Word, this team looks terrible. Like look at that outfield, what the fuck is that? It really feels like one of those half-season rebuilding years for the A’s. Except there is a giant caveat here: it’s the Oakland Athletics and their general manager is Billy Beane who apparently sold his soul for a crystal ball.
THE FUTURE
There’s a lot of young dudes on this team with talent but after shipping his number one prospect Addison Russell to Chi-City for a one game playoff, it might be time for Beane to replenish the farm. If the A’s are just so-so this season, expect the A’s to trade some of their veterans to a playoff-bound team in exchange for prospects and a better season in 2016
PREDICTIONS
Sonny Gray gets traded and/or everything I just wrote will be wrong.