OFFSEASON
For a few hours, early in free agency, the Red Sox tried to sign everyone who had ever swung a bat. They got some pretty good bat swingers. Now they have maybe too many bats and not enough soup.
Manager: John Farrell
John Farrell will do a thumbs-up sign at least three thousand times this year. He’ll also visit the mound a bunch and touch his pitchers.
C: Ryan Hannigan
Ryan Hanigan’s facebook page will get a lot of death threats if he hits below .200 in the month of April.
1B: Mike Napoli
Mike Napoli looks like the type of person who will be dead one day in the same way Ken Caminiti got dead once.
2B: Dustin Pedroia
Dustin Pedroia used to drink five redbull energy drinks a day, but then his penis began shrinking and he got scared so he stopped drinking redbulls. This offseason he did a lot of therapy and he no longer cares about having a tiny penis. The only thing that matters is the team. He plans to drink at least a dozen red bulls energy drinks every day.
SS: Xander Bogaerts
Xander Bogaerts is still the youngest player on the Red Sox. He’s three days younger than Mookie Betts. He will have the same stat line Edgar Renteria had when he was 22 (.278/.346/.423/.770).
3B: Pablo Sandoval
It’s not clear whether or not Pablo Sandoval will ever be better than Todd Zeile, but unlike Todd Zeile he’s at least interesting to watch. Growing up, whenever I watched Todd Zeile play baseball it felt like I was about to fall asleep for eight thousand years.
LF: Hanley Ramirez Unfortunately, everyone in Boston hates it when a black person gets paid so everyone is going to hate Hanley Ramirez this season, especially if he ends up on the disabled list at all. If he’s on the DL too long the hate might get so bad the Red Sox have to trade him (see Carl Crawford). The best thing to do if you’re a Red Sox fan is to enjoy Hanley’s talents as well as any DL stints because any visit to the DL will allow other people in an overcrowded outfield to get some work.
CF: Mookie Betts
Everyone in Boston is going to love Mookie Betts because he is black and he has not been paid yet and he is really good.
RF: Shane Victorino
I bet whenever Ben Cherington (the Red Sox GM) felt sad this never-ending winter, he would cheer himself up by calling the Phillies and offering Shane Victorino for Cole Hamels.
DH: David Ortiz
At some point, David Ortiz’s teeth are going to fall out or he’s going to slip up and get caught for steroids or he’s going to break his own neck arguing a strike call or he’s just not going to show up to the ballpark and no one will ever figure out what happened to him, but as I stated earlier the Red Sox have way too many bats and not enough soup so it don’t matter if Ortiz’s bat stops working.
BENCH
Brock Holt is pretty good at doing a lot of different kinds of baseball, but that still doesn’t excuse him for his embarrassingly terrible twitter name (@BrockStar4Lyf).
STARTING PITCHERS
Clay Buchholz
During spring training Curt Schilling said, Clay Buchholz could never be the number one starting pitcher on a baseball team because he doesn’t believe in creationism. Clay Buchholz responded to the criticism by saying, “I feel bad when people die.”
Rick Pordello
Last weekend when I was in Boston I overheard someone say, “I thought when the Red Sox traded for Rick (or is it Nick) Porcello he would immediately get a tattoo on his bicep of Carlton Fisk, but he didn’t so I’m disappointed.”
Justin Masterson
Justin Masterson was born in Jamaica so he can’t become president of the United States. Actually, I don’t know. Can he? Ted Cruz was born in Canada so maybe Justin Masterson can become president, but both Cruz and Masterson definitely can’t become pregnant.
Wade Miley
Wade Miley looks like a drug dealer. I bet he will get shot someday. He’ll probably lead the Red Sox in wins with fourteen because every other starting pitcher will get hurt at some point.
Joe Kelly
Joe Kelly has an issue with his bicep right now. He’ll most likely be shut down by the end of May so his bicep can get surgery.
BULLPEN
The bullpen probably needs a good year from Koji Uehara who is forty and currently injured, but Edward Mujica will be alright. By the way, anyone know what happened to Joel Hanrahan and Andrew Bailey?
THE FUTURE
The Red Sox are set up be good for a long time because they got a feeder system stocked with names like: Blake Swihart, Rusney Castillo, Yoan Moncada, and Henry Owens. But hopefully something goes wrong because the Red Sox already won a bunch of World Series and so did the Giants. Come on guys let someone else win them. I’ll be mad if Cardinals win another one too. Oh yeah, this might be a good time to talk about the Pawtucket Red Sox. So I live in Providence Rhode Island and the owners of the Pawtucket Red Sox want to move the team to a new stadium in downtown Providence. I hope to god this doesn’t happen. Seriously, Rhode Island is so small that the team is already basically downtown even though they’re in Pawtucket. But the real concern here is some rich owner is going get tax breaks to build a shitty “state-of-the-art” baseball stadium next to a bunch of newly-constructed parking garages. It is 2015 people! Shouldn’t we all realize by now that new stadiums never benefit the local community and economy?
PREDICTIONS
If Dzhokhar Tsarnaev doesn’t get the death penalty everyone in Boston will probably cry their own tears until the Green Monster drowns and then they’ll say vaguely racist things about Hanley Ramirez anytime he does something wrong.
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Gustavo Rivera