The Dodgers signed one of the best GM’s to be their President of Baseball operations and then hired the A’s Assistant GM to be their GM, and then they traded away Matt Kemp because they had too many outfielders and then traded Dee Gordon to the Marlins for Andrew Heaney who they flipped for Howie Kendrick and then also traded for Jimmy Rollins giving them a solid-fielding middle infield and clearing the way for Joc Pederson to take over in Center and also they got Yasmani Grandal, a switch-hitting catcher with some PED suspensions who may or may not hit better than AJ Ellis, who, although he cannot much hit, can get the hell on base
C: Yasmani Grandal
He is a switch hitter and is relatively well-regarded as a pitch framer which is what happens when you set up so that it looks like a strike and he took Adderall or something without a prescription or maybe it was worse than that [spoiler alert: it was testosterone, which is maybe just Adderall for your balls?] but either way he’s out of San Diego so good for him!
1B: Adrian Gonzalez
Adrian Gonzalez is still pretty much a real good hitter who no longer really hits home runs and is like a prettier Miguel Cairo. Did Fenway destroy his power swing? Did he use up all his home runs back when he averaged 32.2 a year in fucking PetCo? I don’t know. But he’s still good at hitting baseballs, although it looks like all those intentional walks from being the only Padre Who Could Hit maybe padded his OBP for a while.
2B: Howie Kendrick
Howie Kendrick used to play for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim! He hits for average! He has a good glove! He has a nice smile and a good beard, not too crazy, but shapely enough to make you happy!
3B: Juan Uribe
Emo Juan Uribe is not the worst Tumblr I have ever seen.
LF: Carl Crawford/Andre Ethier?
Carl Crawford came over in a salary dump a while ago by the Red Sox and when he’s healthy he’s OK? Andre Ethier stopped being good the moment he stopped getting regular playing time which is not a thing that looks to change any time soon?
CF: Joc Pederson
Joc Pederson had a truly fantastic season in the Pacific Coast League where the air is thin and the outfield walls are 250 feet from home plate but he’s had a good spring training and walks a lot and could basically turn in a vaguely Shin-Soo Choo like season while playing a decent enough Center Field if things work out the way they do when I close my eyes and imagine a better world. If that doesn’t do it for you then you never paid attention to Shin-Soo Choo and I don’t know what to tell you.
RF: Yasiel Puig
Yasiel Puig plays baseball like there are bees shooting out of his dick and like when he drinks coffee his eyes shoot out of his head and lightning bolts come out of his ears and I think he’s just swell.
Darwin Barney won a gold glove! Justin Turner had a weirdly great season! Scott Van Slyke did too! A.J. Ellis was a decent enough catcher! The bench is probably a plus here. Is that Chris Heisey? Weird.
Clayton Kershaw is the greatest pitcher in all of baseball and has been for several years and will be for several more because he is 27 years old and he won the Cy Young last season even though he missed the first two months because he is just that good.
I like Zack Greinke and so can you. He had an amazing season last year and will maybe be not as good but still pretty good and better than most of you guys are.
He is hurt and has a bad shoulder but will probably be league average unless his arm falls off also he’s pretty young.
Brandon McCarthy finally had the good season all us nerds thought he would and then the brand new super smart Dodgers signed him so probably he’ll be pretty good and generate a ton of ground balls which is great because Jimmy Rollins is still a wonderful shortstop to watch and Howie Kendrick is also a solid fielder.
The Dodgers don’t need a fifth starter til April 25th because of off-days so who even knows what’ll happen here is what I am going to type for an answer.
They signed Brandon Beachy who will either be good or have another Tommy John but either way it’s not the worst insurance policy since when he was on the field he was a great pitcher.
Kenley Jansen has a heart problem and right now he has an injury but he’s still one of the best closers in baseball. The rest of the ’pen is basically shit. Do you remember how in the playoffs Mattingly basically made everyone pitch until their arms fell of so he could get the ball to Jansen because everyone else just gave up homers or walked everyone? All of those guys are still there, and nobody better showed up. Except that they got Chris Hatcher in the Dee Gordon trade, and he tends to generate nearly 5 times as many strikeouts as walks, and plus a solid amount of grounders, so I guess there’s that?
The Dodgers have great starters, a shitty bullpen, better defense, and slightly worse bats that are still better than most other bats in the NL West.
Corey Seager is an incredibly well-regarded middle infielder who will maybe shift to third but he can hit the ball great. Julio Urias embarrassed the low minors when he was 17 years old and will continue to do so when he is 18 and could conceivably be up and pitching really well at the age of 20. He could be like the Jason Heyward of pitchers. Heyward was still good even if he wasn’t what you wanted him to be so fuck off.
The Dodgers take the West because it doesn’t matter how many bats you stick in PetCo it’s still the kind of thing that makes a cavernous chasm look like a cubbyhole but the fact that their bats aren’t what they were last season and their pen is falling apart will be a real liability unless they trade some of their bench depth for help and also throw money at the problem because oh my god the Dodgers have so much money to throw at problems if they want to and they could always trade for Adrian Beltre since it’s not like the Rangers are doing anything other than losing pitchers.