Offseason: I think Joey Votto got a new kneecap or something. And the Reds also got another one of those arm machines from Cuba.
Manager: Bryan Price
Bryan Price has been doing a better job at yelling at people who leave their wet towels in the middle of the locker room. Last season, a lot of players were upset by Price’s silence regarding the ongoing wet towel situation. It’s the manager’s job to yell at people and many in the organization didn’t think Price yelled enough. Players can’t just go around eating all the free pretzels without taking some personal responsibility.
C: Devin Mesoraco
Devin Mesoraco was really good at baseball in high school. It is worth mentioning Devin might not always be a catcher. He will someday have to stop being a catcher. Maybe when he’s thirty-eight, he will retire from baseball activities and do a garden.
1B: Joey Votto
Joey Votto is probably my number one sexy pile of stats in all of baseball even if his stat pile is no longer as sexy as it was two years ago when it was so sexy everyone wanted to live in his stat pile. I like when he draws a walk. No one does base on balls as good as Joey Votto. He probably won’t do stats better than everyone like he used to a few years ago, but I think he will get over a 140 walks this year.
2B: Brandon Phillips
Brandon Phillips is going to start the season in the seventh hole. I’m not exactly sure what this means, but Uranus is the seventh planet from the sun so I don’t know if the seventh hole is a good place or if players feel a low self-value when they are positioned there.
SS: Zack Cozart
Zack Cozart is vaguely forgettable in the same way fans sometimes order three hot dogs and eat them and then look at their empty hot dog trays and think, “I don’t remember eating my hot dogs.”
3B: Todd Frazier
Todd Frazier likes to point at things with his good finger and then say, “You!” He also uses a 35 inch bat which is code for “I like to be gentle to kittens and puppies but I can be a bad man if you aren’t careful.” Wow, watch out National League pitchers because Todd and his 35 inches are on the prowl. In other news, “Todd” is still considered one of the worst names a person can own.
LF: Marlon Byrd
Marlon Byrd is 37, watches Kill Bill Volume 2 daily, likes to touch the kettle bell, and has personal coaches for sprinting and Thai kickboxing and Bulgarian bagging.
CF: Billy Hamilton
Billy Hamilton is hoping to steal a hundred bases this year so he can then fulfill his lifelong dream of starting his own clothing line.
RF: Jay Bruce
Jay Bruce is probably the Major League Baseball player most likely to retire early and become a grand wizard in the KKK especially if he gets off to a rough start in April.
Brayan Pena was voted by fans as this year’s “most likely to eat himself out of baseball within three years.”
Johnny Cueto generally thinks America is pretty boring and is excited for the next six to eight years of his life to pass moderately quickly so he can retire and then spend the rest of his life not living in America off the money he made playing baseball in America.
Mike Leake has been a professional baseball player for six years which means his face has more sad wrinkles than it used to, but it also means he has to hide his money face behind cheap discount whiskers until the season is over. He also has a cat named “baby,” but plans to leave it in a shelter if he’s traded midseason.
Anthony DeSclafani was traded after people began to doubt whether he would ever be able to handle being called “Tony” fulltime. Forty-two percent of his diet is internet-related.
Jason Marquis was voted by fans as “most likely to die mysteriously in his hotel room during the season like Darryl Kile.”
Raisel Iglesias had asked for a seven-thousand-year deal after defecting from Cuba, but the Reds convinced him the number zero didn’t exist in America. He has since realized he was told a lie.
Bullpen: Everyone always talks about Aroldis Chapman when they talk about the Reds’ bullpen, but two years ago Jumbo Diaz was the fans’ choice for most likely to eat his way out of baseball and he failed to live up to expectations by losing seventy pounds probably because the paleo diet. I don’t know. In other news, the Reds signed Burke Badenhop who will probably do what he always does which is quietly put up good numbers in a middle relief role and be underappreciated.
The Future: Hopefully Joey Votto’s kneecaps do good because the future in Cincinnatti is very sad if Joey’s kneecaps aren’t any good. If the kneecaps are bad then someone should go tell the kneecap god to drink a bunch of orange juice made without any oranges if you know what I mean. Oh yeah, Homer Bailey got a new arm so everyone pray to the arm god and tell him he gets juice with no juice if Homer’s new arm is made from arm juice made without arms.
Prediction: The Reds will probably do pretty well because I heard the weather will be okay in Cincinnati this year. The reason they didn’t do that good last year is because there was a cloud in the wrong place every game. From what I’ve heard, the clouds will be better organized this year. In fact, the organization hired their very own weatherman.